


A World Too Full

by justlikethehamptons



Category: The Following
Genre: F/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 16:07:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1095945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justlikethehamptons/pseuds/justlikethehamptons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Claire's life is never going to be normal again, so she clings to the moments like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A World Too Full

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



There was a time when Claire hoped -- foolishly, she realized now -- that she and Joey could have a normal life again someday.

After Joe she assumed she’d never be free of the legacy he’d left, of the terrible things he’d done and the memory of all those girls she might have saved if she’d just...

If she’d just known her husband. 

She said as much to Ryan once, in one of her weaker moments. He'd insisted that it wasn’t her fault, that he’d fallen for Joe’s act as well, that anyone would have. That living in the same house as Joe didn’t guarantee that he’d ever give her the chance to see the real him. She knew he was right, but she also knew that Ryan blamed himself just as much as she did, so it was hard to take him seriously when he tried to let her off the hook, but wouldn’t do the same for himself.

Still, she filed for divorce and went back to her maiden name, erased as much of Joe from her life as she could without making things harder for Joey. And it worked, for a while. She managed to feel normal enough -- optimistic enough -- to let Ryan in, and when she was with him she started to believe that maybe they could make it back to normal together.

What she didn’t know was that ‘normal’ for Ryan wasn’t the same as it was for other people. And the joke was on her, because in that way Ryan was a lot like Joe. The difference was that her ex wasn’t capable of loving anyone but himself, while Ryan loved people so much that he pushed them away to keep from hurting them. Or maybe he was just punishing himself for something that wasn’t his fault any more than all those girls had been Claire’s responsibility. In the end it didn’t matter, because one day he was just gone, and nothing she said could change his mind.

For a long time she was angry: about Joe and about Ryan and about the fact that her son was caught in the middle of it all. But she had Joey to think about, so she put her anger on the back burner and she did what needed doing. There was no one else to do it now, after all, and there was no way she was going to let Joey down.

So maybe her life would never be normal again, but she could do her best to make sure Joey didn’t know it. She could keep things as normal for _him_ as possible, to make sure he was safe and protected from all the things his father had been. Except in the end she couldn’t even do that. Joe had won again, he’d been winning all along and she’d had no idea that he was still pulling all the strings.

She wasn’t sure how long she laid in Joey’s bed, surrounded by his scent and begging a God she wasn’t even sure she believed in just to bring Joey home to her. When she finally gave up on sleep and opened her eyes, she expected to see Ryan gone already. He’d said he’d say, but he hadn’t said for how long, and she knew better than to expect anything from him.

But there he was, nodding off in a chair next to the bed. His tie hung loose around his neck, jacket open and his hands resting on his thighs. Claire remembered just how strong those hands were, how much power she’d always felt under the gentleness of his touch. She remembered everything about them, and that was the whole problem, because she was afraid she was never going to forget.

It was tempting to reach out, to cover one of Ryan’s hands with her own and thread their fingers together, just to feel the warmth of his touch again. To remind herself that this was all real, that even if he hadn’t come back to _her_ , at least he’d come back.

As though he could hear her thoughts, Ryan stirred and blinked a few times before he focused on her. It was dark out, but the lamp was still on, and she could see the lines etched in his face that hadn’t been there the last time they’d been this close.

“Hey,” he said, reaching up to run a hand over his face.

“I thought you’d be gone.”

“I said I'd stay, didn’t I?” Ryan asked, but his smile was rueful, as though maybe he was wondering what he was still doing there just as much as she was.

She tried to smile back, but her muscles felt stiff and her throat was suddenly tight. “Any news?”

“No. I, uh...” Ryan ran a hand through his hair, glancing over his shoulder toward the closed bedroom door before he turned back to her and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “I can go check, if you want.”

“They would have come to tell us if anything had happened, right?” she asked, and when he nodded her heart sank a little further. It wasn’t as though she’d been expecting any news, but every second that Joey was gone was another second that she couldn’t be sure of his safety. She didn’t know Joe, had never known him, and she couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t hurt their son to get back at her.

“We’re gonna find him, Claire,” Ryan said, and when he reached out and took her hand in his, she wanted to believe him. But there was no way he could guarantee that, and she didn’t want him lying just to try to make her feel better.

“Can...can we just...” She pushed her fingers through his, grip firm and strong and tugging him toward her until he moved from the chair to sit on the edge of Joey’s narrow bed.

“Claire...”

She shook her head against the pillow, then she reached up to wipe at the stinging in her eyes. “Don’t.”

Ryan sighed, and when he let go of her hand, she braced herself for the moment when he walked out of the room and left her alone. He stood up, but instead of making up some excuse and heading for the door, he took off his jacket and hung it over the back of the chair. His tie was next, and Claire didn’t bother pretending not to watch as he turned around and looked down at her.

For a moment she thought he might start talking again, but when she held out a hand, he swallowed whatever excuse he was about to make. She turned onto her other side as the mattress dipped, then Ryan was stretched out behind her, chest solid and warm against her back and his hand resting tentatively on her hip, as though he wasn’t sure he was allowed to touch her.

It made her think of their first kiss, of the hilarious awkwardness of the moment, and the sweet way Ryan tried to swoop in and save the day even then. But he was always saving the day; that was all he knew how to do, so it was no surprise. Still, she’d been the one to ask for what she wanted most of the time, to tell him it was okay to want things too.

She reached down for his hand where it was still resting on her, as though he was afraid she might shatter. She gripped as hard as she dared and pulled his arm tight around her, holding onto his hand and pressing their entwined fingers to her lips for a moment before she settled them on the mattress near her shoulder.

Behind her Ryan took slow, measured breaths, as though he was working at it instead of just letting it happen. There were so many things she wanted -- needed -- to say to him, like _fuck you for leaving_ and _I’m so mad at you I could scream_ and _I love you_. None of it mattered, though, not while Joey was missing and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t believe in Ryan’s confidence that they’d get him back.

“I tried to kill him,” Ryan said after awhile, his fingers flexing in hers as though he might try to pull away. She held tight, so tight she thought she might hurt him, but it seemed to be what he needed, because he relaxed a little against her and kept talking. “After he...after Sarah. I would have, if they hadn’t pulled me off him.”

Instead of answering, she lifted their hands again and pressed her lips to his knuckles, eyes closed and focused on conveying all her conflicted feelings into that single touch. She couldn’t blame him for wanting Joe dead, not after all the terrible things he’d done. There was a part of Claire that wished he was dead as well, that wished she could erase him so completely from Joey’s life that he’d never have to know who his father had been.

But if Ryan had killed him with Joe's plan already in motion, would there have been a chance of seeing her son again? Did Joey’s survival depend on whether or not his father lived to protect him from the lunatics who worshiped him? She didn’t know; no one knew, not even Ryan, no matter how hard he tried to convince her that everything was going to be okay.

“She was the one I saved,” Ryan said. “All the others...but Sarah, she survived.”

Claire let go of his hand then, turning onto her other side until they were face to face in the narrow bed. She reached up and curved her hand around his cheek, thumb tracing the line of stubble he hadn’t bothered to shave yet.

“You saved others. Who knows how many,” she answered. “You stopped him, Ryan.”

The words were hollow and they both knew it, because Joe was out there somewhere, and who knew how many innocent people would pay the price. The world would be better off if the police had let Ryan kill him, if they’d just been a little slower in pulling him away. But her son would still be gone, out there somewhere with people who didn’t love him, who couldn’t even know what love was.

Her throat tightened and she felt the tears start to sting her eyes again, then she was leaning forward and pressing her lips to his. “You’ll stop him again. You don’t have a choice.”

He nodded and pressed forward, kissing her to distract himself from his own tears, maybe, or just so he wouldn’t have to answer. So he wouldn’t have to say out loud what they were both thinking, that there was always the chance Joe was unstoppable. That he really was some monster out of one of his stories, and his group of acolytes would shield him until it was too late for any of them.

The thought sent a shiver through Claire, and she wrapped her arms around Ryan’s neck and held on tight, kissing him as though she might not get another chance.

He’d be gone when she woke up. She knew that, just like she knew that they’d never talk about tonight. Maybe they’d never get a chance to say all the things that needed saying, the things she’d wanted to tell him since he walked out of her life the first time. But he was here now, strong and solid and comforting in a way she didn’t want to miss. He cared enough to stay, even if she’d had to ask, and maybe that could be good enough for now.


End file.
